Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of weed! Be aware: The cannabis-etiquette rabbit hole is full of traps and inconsistencies, as well as local customs and arcane superstitions.

Some general rules (pirate voice): “The code is more what you’d call ’guidelines’ than actual rules.”

Pass the dutchie to the left-hand side. Yes, it’s a song. The first joint or bowl or whatever should go to the left. If the circle is big enough and the weed is plentiful, someone may send another bowl or blunt counterclockwise—and it’s always funny when someone gets passed both joints at the same time. That person, of course, should attempt to smoke both joints at once.

Puff, puff, pass. This is America. The joint should proceed around the circle in a timely manner. If the joint is not being hit, it’s just burning weed. The rules are different in Spain, where the doobie is probably some mixture of hash and tobacco and burns hella slow, everyone is unemployed, “tranquilo” is the order of the day, and so it takes for-freaking-ever for the joint to get back to you.

Don’t burn the whole bowl. When smoking from a pipe, one should endeavor to burn a corner of the weed in the bowl, thereby ensuring that the next person gets a “green” hit and a chance to savor the flavor of the weed. This is not always possible, but do your best. If the bowl is cashed when it gets to you, reload it.

Don’t slobber. Come on. There used to be a racially charged term for this sort of marijuana abuse, but times have changed. Suffice it to say, please keep your lips dry when hitting the joint or bowl. There are few things worse than being passed a soggy joint. Ew.

Know your health. If you have a cold, don’t share a joint. Duh. If you have a cold sore or some sort of thing on your lip, please think about what you may be introducing to the circle. I have never heard of anyone getting the herp from passing joints around, but still.

Try to bring some weed with you every once in a while. It’s not hard to get. New smokers get the benefit of the doubt, but if you keep showing up to a session empty-handed, people will start to talk.

Introduce yourself. When approaching a group of people smoking weed, a friendly smile and a “hello” work wonders. I have met some cool people while standing in the circle or sneaking around the corner to smoke a bowl. Use a nickname if you want, but it’s always better smoking with friends than with strangers.

Most of all, just be polite and kind, and most issues will take care of themselves.

Good Strain, Bad Name

 Good pot is good pot, whatever you call it.   That being said,  who is in charge of naming the strains?  Do growers and cultivators even think about what they name these things?  I know a guy who had a strain he developed for years. It was fantastic. I asked him what he had named it and he said. “Purple Retard”.  I just kind of stared at him for a while. Then he told me, “This strain has been crossed and back-crossed so many times, it’s retarded”.  I got the joke, but I still found the name more than a little insensitive. And  that’s probably my biggest  problem with these things. Your pot is great but your name sucks.  Here are some more examples:

 Herojuana:

 We get it. If you mash up the word “Herer” (as in Jack Herer, marijuana demigod) and the word “marijuana” , you can come up with the word “Herojuana”.  How clever. Too bad the name of your strain makes it sound like you mixed heroin and marijuana together.  Does anyone do that? Plus, why are you trying to get all the prohibitionists riled up?  We have been telling them for years that contrary to what they have been led to believe, marijuana is safer and less addictive than heroin (Because it is). But now you go and name a strain “Herojuana”?  For shame, because Herojuana is a great Indica with hella soothing effects.  Oh, and unlike heroin, if you smoke too much, it won’t kill you.

Green Crack:

Same deal. Too clever by half. We get it:  “This stuff is like crack”  usually means that something is tasty and enjoyable and you can’t stop doing it.  So in that regard, the label “green crack” is two out of three.  Super Tasty. Hella Enjoyable. Addictive? No.  And why would you want to liken marijuana to crack anyway?  I have seen it listed as “Green Candy” in more and more clubs, so I guess some people are starting to come around.

 God’s Vagina  

this isn’t even a real strain.  It’s a description of the way  “Pineapple Express” smells. “Pineapple Express” isn’t a real name either.They made up the name for the Seth Rogan movie.  I guess it is a real name now because some growers will take a good strain that wasn’t selling and give it a hot new name to rook the newbies.  This practice has got to stop.  Although I did smoke something called  “Pineapple Euphoria” in Oregon once. It was really good.

AK-47

Sigh. Guns? really?  Whatever happened to the hippie ideals, man?  Great sativa dominant strain that has been around since the 90’s.  AK-47 is also very easy to grow, and it flowers fast.  They say it can be ready in as little as 47 days.  Maybe not that fast, but you get the point.

MK-Ultra

Did the grower even know what MK-Ultra was when they named this strain?  Why on earth would you name a strain after an insidious CIA sponsored program dedicated to performing mind control experiments? I have no idea if this strain’s any good or not. I am too afraid to smoke it.